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I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas

I Feel Proper Poorly!

good peopley..far and wide... in the roundy ball write and rhymey world.. and series in the thoughts now.. for better time... never was than now. to menshy-menshy the name Sir Stanley.? and not Matthews in the Stoke shirt of course all brycreemed down the wingy lode.. but Unwin..jokey..jokey..all nonsey funny but make no sensey but who carelodes..if tickly throcus and giggly all chortly in the tummy fold.... but not digressy dangerlode............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ Sir Stanley Unwin.

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Windows

Windows windows everywhere. Windows full of glazed expressions. Windows full of raining tears. Windows open windows closed . I see the windows of my nose. The windows like eyes , teeth and elbows.

Scouting For Beuys

Laughing Springs

Painting By Numbers

Keep and gum tree. Lovely lots a koala for the the old grabbed hair in the tree. Lovely lots a koala for and a koala for tree. Lovely chestnuts lovely lots a wombat and lover a tree!
Keep and hair in the crackle. Once tuckerbags - Walzing Matilda Once the old mums of cups of cups ovely chestnuts ovely chestnuts of cups of tree. Singinging Matilda Once tuckerbags - walzinging Wall my old mums of tree!
Keep and he. With a billabong. Who shall was and him by a koala for and lots over me.

One Two Three! Get it HERE at the Gibberish Generator.

Uuurrrrgh!

Professor Bimpleton somehow managed to communicate using an ingenuity that was devised from a Shipham's Shrimp Paste jar and some trouser turnups.

Far Tottering & Oyster Creek Railway

The Far Tottering and Oyster Creek Branch Railway was the inventive dream of Roland Emett that became a reality. A fictional narrow-gauge railway with a fantastical view of British rural life and embodying Emett's typical whimsical mechanics, very much in the same cup of street as the works of Heath Robinson and Rube Goldberg.
The railway began as a series of Emett cartoons in pre-war Punch magazine of 1939. At this time it was termed the Far Tottering and Oyster Creek Railway.
After the war, it was chosen as an attraction for the 1951 Festival of Britain events on the South Bank. A workable railway, now termed the Far Tottering and Oyster Creek Branch Railway, was constructed that carried over two million passengers through the Battersea Pleasure Gardens.
The three locomotives were:
Nº1 Nellie
Nº2 Neptune
Nº3 Wild Goose
Were all made to Emett's drawings, but used war-surplus diesel engines on a 15 in (381 mm) gauge chassis.
After the endness of the Festivities itself, the Pleasurable Gardens became Battersea Parkland.

Read more HERE.

Pipe Flange and Nipple Sentinel

Open publication - Free publishing - More collage

Drive Thru Number Two

I think this is from 60-​​century, with the risk to take an entirely mistaken, I believe that this is from a minneprogram in underholdningsmusikk from the war days.

mERRY xMAS!

Open publication - Free publishing - More catalogue

Curios Thing Compendium

Open publication - Free publishing - More collage

Fishing For Tigers

Fishing for tigers out in Indi-ah! Out in, out in, out in Indi-ah!

Werry Crumkle!

A Blast From The Past

Doris The Modified Dog

Doris the modified dog presented herself to the half chicken in charge, turned round three times and settled herself down in the cool space under the sink. The half chicken clucked, chirped, squeaked and let out a low moaning sort of bellow and squinted at the monkey rifling through his deep pockets for conkers. The long armed monkey stretched his long fingers into the deepest recesses of the pockets and pulled out handfuls of fluff, bus tickets and sticky bull's eyes. He laid them carefully at the feet of the half chicken who made a sound not unlike a coughing ferret. "What no conkers?" he squeaked.
Dories the modified dog laughed quietly to herself and rattled her lid with keen anticipation.

EMETT'S IDEAL HOME - British Pathe

EMETT'S IDEAL HOME - British Pathe

Max Wall

Nuns!

Straight from Craggy Island.

Bedlam

The rules are simple -

You need - 1. A pointed passe-partout strengthener
2. Some cobbled ear flaps
3. Padded grill plates
4. 14 Single melted wheel grips

Take point B and fold over to meet point A. Score along the dotted line and fan the three edges with a folded napkin. Bend knees and join back to the front of the third edge of the fifth folded crease marked X . Scumble the fine print. Fold the fifth edge to join plate M . Fold and crease the line E so that it meets the folded edge of the back of the knees marked Y.

Now you are set to enjoy your first rummage.
Place your solo plan D into the mixing pot. Shake the dice and cut the cards and bend the folded edge of C to meet the pointed P.
Take turns the squeak the notes on the back of card marked with a quill.
Folds are now open for frobbage.
The first to meet the circular filberts will be the winner.

Kosmic Strip

Hoagart

"Hoagart Smith was born in 1924 in Plainsville, New York in 1923 and spent his early life going from town to town in a travelling vaudeville and medicine show his parents ran until 1938. His father, Haggio Smith was a contortionist and trombone player and his mother played the accordion whilst juggling small animals, mostly rats or any small rodents they could lay their hands on. This was the height of the depression and sometimes they had to make do with dead rats and sometimes even cockroaches. Hoagart grew up in this atmostphere of freewheeling lunacy and this he shaped into an act of his own by the time he was 9. Having taught himself to yodel and play the tuba he was billed as the Infant Prodigy - Hoagart.
When he was 23 he dropped the Infant Prodigy and became just Hoagart. He made several obscure and rare recordings for the defunct Prattle label in the 50's and these rare acetates came to light just recently in the basement of a dried fish stall being demolished in Brooklyn."



Hoagart - Side Two

Rem Goriller

Soundtrack album from the film of the same name. The strange story of a country and western star( Farly Horsejowel ) who discovers a potion in the Black Hills of Dakota - in a little ol' shack inhabited by a tiny fiddlin' fool ( Danny DeVito ). The potion has the power to turn the voice of whoever drinks it into a cross between Hank Williams and Johnny Cash. The side-effects though are pretty horrible as the star finds out when one day on the Grande Ol' Opry he turns into a raging monster and bites the head off Ernest Tubb.

Batman v Fancy Biscuits

In this rare Turkish version of a Batman serial from the 60's. Batman ( Oleg Klunes ) is forced out of retirement to do battle with Ginger Nut ( Sven Ganoosh ) and his henchmen who have taken over a biscuit factory in Istanbul and making toxic Cream Crackers and Cheesy Wotsits. Things are complicated when Batman is sucked into a time tunnel in the factory's Jam Injection department and ends up in Edvard Munch's studio in Berlin in 1892.

File Under "Emergency Beard"

How to get a head in advertising.

'ello 'ello?

Whats all this then? A nasty case of missing leg found again. I wonder if the body is attached? Quick, call the Leg Police.

Naughty Monks

Have you spotted these naughty monks tittering in your area? If so please phone Lubbock 67756 and ask for Father Quinn.

Who Stole Our Trousers?

A trouser thief is still on the loose in Basingstoke. The local constabulary were criticised by Basingstoke Council for not getting to the bottom of this problem and even suffering losses in the trouser department themselves. Coucillor Elkwood Spink said " The situation vis a vis the theft of trousers is getting comepetely out of hand. I know several people have reported trouser loss but the police seem unable to apprehend the criminal gang responsible. I hear trousers are being sold on Ebay for three or four times the going rate. Rare trousers of sailors, airmen, firemen and policemen are fetching high prices."

Christmas Catalogue

Cruisin' Shoes

Cruisin' Shoes


I'm cruisin' with my buddies
In my loafers and my daps
I've filled up on gas and socks
Gonna do a hundred laps

Polished up my plimpers
And laced up all my holes
Drive like a flaming flip flop
To the very inner soles

Love Letter

Dear Mildred,

Forgive the haste in which I put projectile ink pellet to paper but I have a lecture to give at 12-30 in the College Of Inventors. My sweet little dust cloud. I can see you now - your feather duster all a quiver , darting about among the cobwebs of the refectory. How it grates on my nodules that you have to do such tiresome work. So much so - I have invented a new improved dusting device you must try when next we meet - my little vacuum nozzle! It's a web twizzler attached to an old egg beater I have cunningly contrived with the aid of several elastic bands and a cheese grater geared to the motor of a disused flannel mangle. It will, I hope for have not yet tried it, make life so much more easier in your daily grindage.
Have you tried the Instant Polish Squeegee yet? I have a new version you can try with an attachable wire brush for all those tricky corners. Particularly good for the undersides of tall boys.

Until we meet agin my carbolic angel, Yours lovengly, Professor Albert T. Bunk

Ole Ole Ole!

More from the weirdly fermented brain of Celia Cordwangler. 1973

Celia Cordwangler Post 1974

More from the twisted mind of Celia Cordwngler circa. 1974

Early mail art from the 1970's.

Darts

Its' a funny old game - darts
Stunted arrows thrown from the ochre
Not a yellow but a part
Of wood nailed to the floor
In a pub they have it by the door
There's a definate art
To throwing a flighted missile
Being drunk might help
But be careful
Or you could end up spearing
Your foot when it bounces
Off the wire and you yelp
With pain

Unwanted Guests

An easy way to put off unwanted guests.

Extracting Grit

Life can be funny sometimes - I was just saying to Professor Green in the laboratory with the spanner, that it was unlikely to be a very busy day when the X-tomimeter imploded and a cloud of dangerous Murkle particles blew in all our faces and we had to take turns extracting the grit from sucker filberts with the Extractorator Pilse Cannon. The side effects soon wore off and despite the tentacles and the extra fins we suffered no immediate periferal damage.

Injuns!

Why them pesky varmints! They be on the warpath agin all crazy on fire water and cheap wusky! I knew there wus somethin' a brewin' when I sees Big Chief Hokum down at the old saloon playing them darned Chas 'n' Dave hits on the old joanna and shooting out the lights last night. Lookout they's firin' them arrows under the door!

Ali Basham's Eyeball

Ali Basham's Eyeball


Ali Basham's eyeball was a fine sight
Glowing by the fire in the bright moonlight
It was the fairest eye in town
One day pink and the next day brown

Ali Basham's eyeball did sparkle so
It twinkled in the mid day snow
It winked and blinked and jiggled around
One day it popped out with a horrible sound

Ali Bashum's eyeball was a fine fellow
Sitting on a cushion of blue and yellow
It oggled and boggled and looked at me
The fairest eyeball I ever did see!

Harry Tate

Tate made his debut at the Waxed Kipper Hall in 1895, and became well known for his impressions of performers such as Doris Flunge, Mildred Grills, and Stradley Pling. Success came with his comedy sketch, Grolloping, in which he played the part of half a pantomime horse trying to repair a broken bath chair. His other sketches included Down The Dipsy Doodle, Bollards and Tiddly-Winks. Several catch phrases he used became popular in Britain in the 1930s, including "Stripe me barber's pole", "How's your Onions" (used as an escape clause when he was unable to answer a question) and "I don't blabber", used sarcastically (as in "He's a wrong 'un – I don't blabber")[2] . He used his bristling moustache to express all kinds of emotion by turning it into a small boomerang.

Harry Tate died in 1940 as a result of injuries suffered when falling in a unsupervised mangle.

1001 Things To Do With A Bit OF A Chair

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Human Factory

Der Mensch als Industriepalast [Man as Industrial Palace] from Henning Lederer on Vimeo.

Crimble Shopping List

Crimble Shopping List


Assaulted Nuts

Cracked Nuckers

Minsk Pies

Snowman's Land

Misty Toes and Holly Golly

A Stuffed Tootle

Frosty The No Man

A Small Furry Tree

Nibbles

Bags Of Gulls

The class of '67 lined up to have their portrait etched for all time in layers of cork. The well known cork engraver Devoid Segroids took holes of the ends and twisted them into a loop. His head went under and the spigot lens was pilfered shut just as the sun came out. Luckily the image was frozen inside the vestibule covered in a fine powdered glue. Afterwards many of the class complained of that the backs of their knees ached but this wore off after a while.

Dave Zacks Curious Cactus House

Dave lived in Teozatlan in Mexico back in the 80's and a frequent correspondent of mine. He lived in a hollowed out cactus just outside the town he said and sent me this photo of his dwelling place to prove it. Apparently the man looking up at the Zack Tower ( as it was known thereabouts ) was Senor Hunnundez Weeviltree the local mayor and collector of sombreros. He had three thousand Zack said and they are all made of Harris Tweed.
The cactus was chosen as a good habitat because it was very big and from the top you could see the village stationers where Zack was often seen photocopying fast reams of his Correspondence Novels. These he sent out to his eager flock around the world, all aching to find out what was happening in Zack's world and in Zack's cactus.
Zack tried to make a home in a neighbouring boulder but this proved difficult to hollow out. So when the cactus eventually succumbed to galloping spine rot back in '87 he moved to a tree some 5 miles away.

Invasion!

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Burglar Bill

Burlar Bill

Burglar Bill answered the door
A chicken stood outside
Pecking a small policeman
"Come In" said Bill,
"and pull up a swag bag,
sit yourself down and
Have some truncheon meat
sandwiches".

Arresting him he replied
"You have lied to me,
Bill you scurvy knave."
The chicken pulled the switch
And the front door slammed
"My finger!" Bill screamed
Overcome with guilt
and indegestion.

The Fidle Of Girrmstone

The forth part of the Girrmstone trilogy by the acclaimed author who also wrote The Bucketh Of Cithtard and My Swanlike Trilbs. A stunning adventure set on the South Seas of Iceland and involving the Cod Wars of 1878 and dodo smugglers.
The story is a long and involved yarn with many spools and tangled strings - looms of a many webby fronds and mangles , whose origins are lost in the fringes of time.
Part soap opera and part sci-fi seafaring tale the reader is plunged into a world of mutant tea cups and piratical teapots. The main protagonist- Stuffid Maltravers has been left the famed Fidle of Girrmstone in his late uncles will and travels to Iceland to collect it. On way he has many adventures including being shipwrecked , being laughed at by brigands, having scalding tea tipped down his trousers and discovering the Lost Island of the Dodo.

Donkey Business

Donkey Business

We're off to Colwyn Bay to gather bath buns
Up to our knees in hay and turnips
We shout at Neddy to strum his fun
A basket on his head for trips

Gradual Pythonic Deriavations

The tinkle of the cheese grater - the elk hiding under the duvet
Reminds me of my vestibule- the outer coverings of creosote
Creative spoonfilled lumpen gravy - clobbered in hay
laughing like a drain - crying like an old steam boat

fetch me my grey flannels - the onnes made of newspaper
My edam trilby and Goya's favourite hillbilly pipes
The one with the fringe on the top - and the edge of fur
Lift up the corners now - say hello to the packet of wet wipes

Guest Artist - Roger Radio

Space Cucumber

Meanwhile back on Space Cucumber Nine , Polly and Peregrine were perplexed by the sudden arriavl of Space Cucumber Seven that wasnt due to dock until the 14th ( St. Gherkin's Day ). They pressed their noses on the porthole glass and watched as the Biognomic Flangles gripped the spunnions and sent tiny shards of space crystals out into the starry void. The light was so intense they put on their smokey visors so as not to damage their eyes. Once , Captain Trilby of the Wally Cadets looked out and forgot to wear his and he was blinded for a week and had to spend the whole time in sick bay with a Venusian Flannel over his face.
A strange grunting noise came from the outer deck as the nanoplanks rubbed against the bilge pumps. It sounded not unlike a Martian Goat flossing it's antlers.