Thursday, December 13, 2007

Thursday, December 06, 2007


A popular game from South London during the war years when infated bladders of pigs were hard to come by as they were called in for vital war work making barrage balloons and bouncy castles.
The "slotmeister" has seven seconds to pinion the slot by means of a "frummage iron" which they weald by means of a "flange grip". The "slotweiners" then have to dislodge the "glippy tile" from the apponents "vetch shaft" and score a "glipper" in the "fondue glupe". Its all but died out now, sadly, and can only be seen on certain "Slotty Days" near St. Mongers Eve, when the moon wanes and waxes at the same time. In it's dim light the players sometimes hang fluerescent flummox beans around their waists so they can be seen.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Also for sale this Christmas - the Jones Pudding Pulveriser, the Jones Chicken Stuffer and combined Mince Pie Rammer and the Jones Festive Yule Log Roller.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Privy Council

We are all gathered here today
To play some musical notes
On the big smiling instrument
Made from old ships buoys
Hand crafted in the sheds
Of old fisherfolk from driftwood
Casks and barrels
Bits of flotsam and jetsam
With the buzzing of insects
The chirping of birds
And the flush of the cistern

Friday, October 12, 2007

Ali Basham's Eyeball

Xavier Brick worked mainly in folded coils of cheap grime and occasionally a long felt want. His unique art comes from a morbid fear of egg cups and unearthly weng. When a child he was frightened by a portrait of Sybil Thorndyke which hung in his father's wardrobe. Since this time he has made over 23,000 drawings and 18,000 etchings of the wardrobe and other mysterious cupboards and bedroom furniture. He has recently begun a series of still lives featuring luggage and oscillating bulbs in silk and parchment on vellum. His work sells for ridiculous ammounts of money to rich people of taste all round the world.

Il mattone di Xavier ha funzionato pricipalmente in bobine piegate di grime poco costoso e un feltro lungo desidera occasionalmente. La sua arte unica viene da un timore morboso dei portauova ed unearthly del weng. Quando un bambino lui frightened da un ritratto di Sybil Thorndyke che ha appeso nel wardrobe del suo padre. Poiché questo volta ha fatto oltre 23.000 illustrazioni e 18.000 acquaforte del wardrobe e degli altri armadietti e mobilia mysterious della camera da letto. Recentemente ha cominciato una serie di vite tranquille che caratterizzano il bagaglio e le lampadine oscillanti in seta e pergamena su velina. Il suo lavoro vende per i ammounts ridiculous di soldi alla gente ricca di gusto interamente intorno al mondo.

Monday, October 01, 2007

British Fashion Week

George Pilchradlington- Smytghe is wearing a daring off the shoulder number underneath that delightful sleeveless jumper knitted by Trappist monks in Cleethorpes. The jaunty but practical all weather hat is made from recycled fishermen's sou'westers. George took up modelling after many fruitless years as a barrowboy down the Old Kent Road.

This should be a lovely shade of blue

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Curios Thing Compendium

Buy a limited edition copy this Saturday at the 2nd Manchester Artists Book Fair at the Holden Gallery MMU.

Libro Sabato Giusto 29 Settembre 2007 10.30am - 6pm Il Secondo Dell'Artista De Manchester Sir Kenneth Green Library e galleria di Holden, tutti i san città universitaria, università metropolitana de Manchester, strada de Oxford, Manchester Altoparlante Maria Fusco, 10.30am dell'ospite nel sir Kenneth Green Library La fiera apre 11.30am nella galleria di Holden, edificio di Grosvenor Officina pop-up, prestazioni, bookstallation, 45 basamenti e l'accumulazione speciale di MMU dei libri degli artisti AMMISSIONE LIBERA

Friday, September 21, 2007

Tongs For Every Porpoise

Today's tongs are used in a miriad of ways throughout the natural world. The interchangeable tongs of the elk are useful when finding those leaves high up in the currant bunt tree or for lifting electric wires from entangled moose. The elongated tongs of the pigmy varmint are essential for all those household chores he has to undergo. The smoothly massaging scalp tongs of the gibbon help him with that awkward quiff. How would the anteater cope without the gentle probing tongs that he uses for adjusting the straps round his luggage?

Assembly Guide

Friday, September 07, 2007

Bronx Cheer

Ofcourse the early "Whoopee Cushion" was discovered in a Neolithic cave along with the bone implements and stone pots of the prehistoric man ( and woman ). First specimens seems to be made of the bladders of the wooly mammoth. In time the inventiveness of the sub-humans new no bounds as they exeprimented with ox bladders, sheeps bladders and brown paper bags. In 1645 the first real factory produced Bronx Cheer was in fact made in Walsall in what was a black pudding workshop - the "cushions" were cleverly constructed from the left over pudding skins and sold in Birmingham at the famous Grub Market in Rissole Street.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Baby Centre

Isn't science wonderful? Here we have the latest in making babies the easy way from Babymat Co. Just drop a coin right into the slot and turn dial to select DNA, genes, hair colour, temperament, abilities, brain power, etc. and wait 9 months and a brand new baby pops down the chute at the back into the waiting buggy! Wow!

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Mind The Gap

Down in the engine room something stirs
With a choo choo chewable puff
From his old briar pipe
The train waiting on platform nine
Is the greatfully recieved chuffer from Planet Kripe

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

A Poem Off The Top Of My Head

Off the top of my head
A poem sprang like a pilchard
Wrapped in a disgruntled doily
It's time weary face
Etched with brine and balsamic vinegar

I weaved a second verse
From an old badger's batik vest
A mildewed resting place
For gannets and elongated ducks
Tired of trifle

Plunged into a third
Vat of words dipped in effluent
I saw an elephant laughing
Skipping like a pneumatic truncheon
Over a puddle of plasticine

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Dream Catcher

The ancient indian art of dream catching has long been practised in the back of beyond - behind the teepees and cacti - wobbling merrily along with all the tumble weeds. But now you too can have a dream catcher of your very own- the new modern up-to-date version made from a secret ingrediant - only known to Chief Little Big Clanger of the Tooforwun tribe. Part crystal set and part animated doily - it has the power to stretch naps and shrink snoring. No batteries are needed as it runs on natural yawn strops.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Ghostly Gold Tops

There I was waiting for Fritzi Carbolic in the foyer of the Restaurante Espectaculo when a shadow of a shallow grating seemed to pass over me - like someone had just walked over my patch of petunias in size eleven Doc Martens. A cold shiver ran down my spine , down my leg and popped out the bottoms of my serge training trousers. I hurriedly flicked it under a nearby tallboy. I continued reading the back of the matchbook I had found outside in a puddle of Bisto. I had scraped most of it off and could plainly read the address - Final Autoplath. Ctra. Santanyi. There was a phone number too- 20 27 3745. I made a note of it in biro on the back of my left leg. I turend the matchbook over and was horrified to see the face of the beautiful blonde that was there a minute ago had CHANGED! Now she had her eyes closed, as if in some deep trance-like state and her face was covered in what looked like boils and evil fissures. Some foul deed had been done for sure. In the middle of her chest wasa huge staple that had rustedand given the whole thing an air of macabre morthology. I flung the matchbook away in disgust and went outside to gather my thoughts - what little I had left in that raddled ursuline brain of mine.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

The Mother Of Invention

Sporting the latest gadget laden titfer she looks into the future and sees - the electric lobe scrubber, the gas powered flea harness, the micro-botic cornice flange, the steam elevated truncheon, the plastobic filing system, the crown flappit crinkler, the bowler lentil polisher and all things bright and suitable.

Every morning she pulls on her asbestos cardigan over her big hat of gadgetry and sits down to scribble something enigmatic into her enigmatic scribbling diary. Todays entry reads thusly - "Sparking fly traps concealed in HP Sauce bottle caps - must devote time to cork flavoured whistle and the bottled wiffle pins."

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Friday, March 16, 2007

The Little Men Inside Your Noggin

Hoping to get a compedium fitted at Lulu if we can figure out the projectories. I hard copy would make a lovely door stop or useful to stand on at Slack gatherings to see over all the big irons.

Is This A Piece Of Your Brain?

Friday, March 02, 2007

Yoga Lesson - Pt. 1

YOga Lesson- Relaxation.

1. Lie on the bed in a darkened room

2. Legs slightly akimbo- toes pointing outwards - arms by your sides.

3. Breath in slowly but noisily through your nose.
The air going in seems cold. Count how many cubic centimetres.

4. Breath out slowly but quietly through your nose.
The air going out seems warm. Count the cracks on the ceiling.

5. Imagine your big toe.

6. Imagine a tiny ant on a bicycle riding up and down your left leg and up to your waist and armpit and up to your head and across the back of your neck.

7. Imagine the tiny ant on a bicycle going back down the other side to the big toe on your right foot. imagine the wheels on your toes.

8. Imagine a very peaceful relaxing place where you once spent a lovely holiday.

9. Drift off into the arms of oblivion.

10. Melt into the bed like a pool of cool syrup.

11. Fall asleep.