Nuns!

Straight from Craggy Island.

Bedlam

The rules are simple -

You need - 1. A pointed passe-partout strengthener
2. Some cobbled ear flaps
3. Padded grill plates
4. 14 Single melted wheel grips

Take point B and fold over to meet point A. Score along the dotted line and fan the three edges with a folded napkin. Bend knees and join back to the front of the third edge of the fifth folded crease marked X . Scumble the fine print. Fold the fifth edge to join plate M . Fold and crease the line E so that it meets the folded edge of the back of the knees marked Y.

Now you are set to enjoy your first rummage.
Place your solo plan D into the mixing pot. Shake the dice and cut the cards and bend the folded edge of C to meet the pointed P.
Take turns the squeak the notes on the back of card marked with a quill.
Folds are now open for frobbage.
The first to meet the circular filberts will be the winner.

Kosmic Strip

Hoagart

"Hoagart Smith was born in 1924 in Plainsville, New York in 1923 and spent his early life going from town to town in a travelling vaudeville and medicine show his parents ran until 1938. His father, Haggio Smith was a contortionist and trombone player and his mother played the accordion whilst juggling small animals, mostly rats or any small rodents they could lay their hands on. This was the height of the depression and sometimes they had to make do with dead rats and sometimes even cockroaches. Hoagart grew up in this atmostphere of freewheeling lunacy and this he shaped into an act of his own by the time he was 9. Having taught himself to yodel and play the tuba he was billed as the Infant Prodigy - Hoagart.
When he was 23 he dropped the Infant Prodigy and became just Hoagart. He made several obscure and rare recordings for the defunct Prattle label in the 50's and these rare acetates came to light just recently in the basement of a dried fish stall being demolished in Brooklyn."



Hoagart - Side Two

Rem Goriller

Soundtrack album from the film of the same name. The strange story of a country and western star( Farly Horsejowel ) who discovers a potion in the Black Hills of Dakota - in a little ol' shack inhabited by a tiny fiddlin' fool ( Danny DeVito ). The potion has the power to turn the voice of whoever drinks it into a cross between Hank Williams and Johnny Cash. The side-effects though are pretty horrible as the star finds out when one day on the Grande Ol' Opry he turns into a raging monster and bites the head off Ernest Tubb.

Batman v Fancy Biscuits

In this rare Turkish version of a Batman serial from the 60's. Batman ( Oleg Klunes ) is forced out of retirement to do battle with Ginger Nut ( Sven Ganoosh ) and his henchmen who have taken over a biscuit factory in Istanbul and making toxic Cream Crackers and Cheesy Wotsits. Things are complicated when Batman is sucked into a time tunnel in the factory's Jam Injection department and ends up in Edvard Munch's studio in Berlin in 1892.

File Under "Emergency Beard"

How to get a head in advertising.

'ello 'ello?

Whats all this then? A nasty case of missing leg found again. I wonder if the body is attached? Quick, call the Leg Police.

Naughty Monks

Have you spotted these naughty monks tittering in your area? If so please phone Lubbock 67756 and ask for Father Quinn.

Who Stole Our Trousers?

A trouser thief is still on the loose in Basingstoke. The local constabulary were criticised by Basingstoke Council for not getting to the bottom of this problem and even suffering losses in the trouser department themselves. Coucillor Elkwood Spink said " The situation vis a vis the theft of trousers is getting comepetely out of hand. I know several people have reported trouser loss but the police seem unable to apprehend the criminal gang responsible. I hear trousers are being sold on Ebay for three or four times the going rate. Rare trousers of sailors, airmen, firemen and policemen are fetching high prices."

Christmas Catalogue

Cruisin' Shoes

Cruisin' Shoes


I'm cruisin' with my buddies
In my loafers and my daps
I've filled up on gas and socks
Gonna do a hundred laps

Polished up my plimpers
And laced up all my holes
Drive like a flaming flip flop
To the very inner soles

Love Letter

Dear Mildred,

Forgive the haste in which I put projectile ink pellet to paper but I have a lecture to give at 12-30 in the College Of Inventors. My sweet little dust cloud. I can see you now - your feather duster all a quiver , darting about among the cobwebs of the refectory. How it grates on my nodules that you have to do such tiresome work. So much so - I have invented a new improved dusting device you must try when next we meet - my little vacuum nozzle! It's a web twizzler attached to an old egg beater I have cunningly contrived with the aid of several elastic bands and a cheese grater geared to the motor of a disused flannel mangle. It will, I hope for have not yet tried it, make life so much more easier in your daily grindage.
Have you tried the Instant Polish Squeegee yet? I have a new version you can try with an attachable wire brush for all those tricky corners. Particularly good for the undersides of tall boys.

Until we meet agin my carbolic angel, Yours lovengly, Professor Albert T. Bunk

Ole Ole Ole!

More from the weirdly fermented brain of Celia Cordwangler. 1973

Celia Cordwangler Post 1974

More from the twisted mind of Celia Cordwngler circa. 1974

Early mail art from the 1970's.

Darts

Its' a funny old game - darts
Stunted arrows thrown from the ochre
Not a yellow but a part
Of wood nailed to the floor
In a pub they have it by the door
There's a definate art
To throwing a flighted missile
Being drunk might help
But be careful
Or you could end up spearing
Your foot when it bounces
Off the wire and you yelp
With pain

Unwanted Guests

An easy way to put off unwanted guests.

Extracting Grit

Life can be funny sometimes - I was just saying to Professor Green in the laboratory with the spanner, that it was unlikely to be a very busy day when the X-tomimeter imploded and a cloud of dangerous Murkle particles blew in all our faces and we had to take turns extracting the grit from sucker filberts with the Extractorator Pilse Cannon. The side effects soon wore off and despite the tentacles and the extra fins we suffered no immediate periferal damage.

Injuns!

Why them pesky varmints! They be on the warpath agin all crazy on fire water and cheap wusky! I knew there wus somethin' a brewin' when I sees Big Chief Hokum down at the old saloon playing them darned Chas 'n' Dave hits on the old joanna and shooting out the lights last night. Lookout they's firin' them arrows under the door!

Ali Basham's Eyeball

Ali Basham's Eyeball


Ali Basham's eyeball was a fine sight
Glowing by the fire in the bright moonlight
It was the fairest eye in town
One day pink and the next day brown

Ali Basham's eyeball did sparkle so
It twinkled in the mid day snow
It winked and blinked and jiggled around
One day it popped out with a horrible sound

Ali Bashum's eyeball was a fine fellow
Sitting on a cushion of blue and yellow
It oggled and boggled and looked at me
The fairest eyeball I ever did see!