'ello 'ello?

Whats all this then? A nasty case of missing leg found again. I wonder if the body is attached? Quick, call the Leg Police.

Naughty Monks

Have you spotted these naughty monks tittering in your area? If so please phone Lubbock 67756 and ask for Father Quinn.

Who Stole Our Trousers?

A trouser thief is still on the loose in Basingstoke. The local constabulary were criticised by Basingstoke Council for not getting to the bottom of this problem and even suffering losses in the trouser department themselves. Coucillor Elkwood Spink said " The situation vis a vis the theft of trousers is getting comepetely out of hand. I know several people have reported trouser loss but the police seem unable to apprehend the criminal gang responsible. I hear trousers are being sold on Ebay for three or four times the going rate. Rare trousers of sailors, airmen, firemen and policemen are fetching high prices."

Christmas Catalogue

Cruisin' Shoes

Cruisin' Shoes


I'm cruisin' with my buddies
In my loafers and my daps
I've filled up on gas and socks
Gonna do a hundred laps

Polished up my plimpers
And laced up all my holes
Drive like a flaming flip flop
To the very inner soles

Love Letter

Dear Mildred,

Forgive the haste in which I put projectile ink pellet to paper but I have a lecture to give at 12-30 in the College Of Inventors. My sweet little dust cloud. I can see you now - your feather duster all a quiver , darting about among the cobwebs of the refectory. How it grates on my nodules that you have to do such tiresome work. So much so - I have invented a new improved dusting device you must try when next we meet - my little vacuum nozzle! It's a web twizzler attached to an old egg beater I have cunningly contrived with the aid of several elastic bands and a cheese grater geared to the motor of a disused flannel mangle. It will, I hope for have not yet tried it, make life so much more easier in your daily grindage.
Have you tried the Instant Polish Squeegee yet? I have a new version you can try with an attachable wire brush for all those tricky corners. Particularly good for the undersides of tall boys.

Until we meet agin my carbolic angel, Yours lovengly, Professor Albert T. Bunk

Ole Ole Ole!

More from the weirdly fermented brain of Celia Cordwangler. 1973

Celia Cordwangler Post 1974

More from the twisted mind of Celia Cordwngler circa. 1974

Early mail art from the 1970's.

Darts

Its' a funny old game - darts
Stunted arrows thrown from the ochre
Not a yellow but a part
Of wood nailed to the floor
In a pub they have it by the door
There's a definate art
To throwing a flighted missile
Being drunk might help
But be careful
Or you could end up spearing
Your foot when it bounces
Off the wire and you yelp
With pain

Unwanted Guests

An easy way to put off unwanted guests.

Extracting Grit

Life can be funny sometimes - I was just saying to Professor Green in the laboratory with the spanner, that it was unlikely to be a very busy day when the X-tomimeter imploded and a cloud of dangerous Murkle particles blew in all our faces and we had to take turns extracting the grit from sucker filberts with the Extractorator Pilse Cannon. The side effects soon wore off and despite the tentacles and the extra fins we suffered no immediate periferal damage.

Injuns!

Why them pesky varmints! They be on the warpath agin all crazy on fire water and cheap wusky! I knew there wus somethin' a brewin' when I sees Big Chief Hokum down at the old saloon playing them darned Chas 'n' Dave hits on the old joanna and shooting out the lights last night. Lookout they's firin' them arrows under the door!

Ali Basham's Eyeball

Ali Basham's Eyeball


Ali Basham's eyeball was a fine sight
Glowing by the fire in the bright moonlight
It was the fairest eye in town
One day pink and the next day brown

Ali Basham's eyeball did sparkle so
It twinkled in the mid day snow
It winked and blinked and jiggled around
One day it popped out with a horrible sound

Ali Bashum's eyeball was a fine fellow
Sitting on a cushion of blue and yellow
It oggled and boggled and looked at me
The fairest eyeball I ever did see!

Harry Tate

Tate made his debut at the Waxed Kipper Hall in 1895, and became well known for his impressions of performers such as Doris Flunge, Mildred Grills, and Stradley Pling. Success came with his comedy sketch, Grolloping, in which he played the part of half a pantomime horse trying to repair a broken bath chair. His other sketches included Down The Dipsy Doodle, Bollards and Tiddly-Winks. Several catch phrases he used became popular in Britain in the 1930s, including "Stripe me barber's pole", "How's your Onions" (used as an escape clause when he was unable to answer a question) and "I don't blabber", used sarcastically (as in "He's a wrong 'un – I don't blabber")[2] . He used his bristling moustache to express all kinds of emotion by turning it into a small boomerang.

Harry Tate died in 1940 as a result of injuries suffered when falling in a unsupervised mangle.

1001 Things To Do With A Bit OF A Chair

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Human Factory

Der Mensch als Industriepalast [Man as Industrial Palace] from Henning Lederer on Vimeo.

Crimble Shopping List

Crimble Shopping List


Assaulted Nuts

Cracked Nuckers

Minsk Pies

Snowman's Land

Misty Toes and Holly Golly

A Stuffed Tootle

Frosty The No Man

A Small Furry Tree

Nibbles

Bags Of Gulls

The class of '67 lined up to have their portrait etched for all time in layers of cork. The well known cork engraver Devoid Segroids took holes of the ends and twisted them into a loop. His head went under and the spigot lens was pilfered shut just as the sun came out. Luckily the image was frozen inside the vestibule covered in a fine powdered glue. Afterwards many of the class complained of that the backs of their knees ached but this wore off after a while.

Dave Zacks Curious Cactus House

Dave lived in Teozatlan in Mexico back in the 80's and a frequent correspondent of mine. He lived in a hollowed out cactus just outside the town he said and sent me this photo of his dwelling place to prove it. Apparently the man looking up at the Zack Tower ( as it was known thereabouts ) was Senor Hunnundez Weeviltree the local mayor and collector of sombreros. He had three thousand Zack said and they are all made of Harris Tweed.
The cactus was chosen as a good habitat because it was very big and from the top you could see the village stationers where Zack was often seen photocopying fast reams of his Correspondence Novels. These he sent out to his eager flock around the world, all aching to find out what was happening in Zack's world and in Zack's cactus.
Zack tried to make a home in a neighbouring boulder but this proved difficult to hollow out. So when the cactus eventually succumbed to galloping spine rot back in '87 he moved to a tree some 5 miles away.

Invasion!

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