Nuns!

Straight from Craggy Island.

Bedlam

The rules are simple -

You need - 1. A pointed passe-partout strengthener
2. Some cobbled ear flaps
3. Padded grill plates
4. 14 Single melted wheel grips

Take point B and fold over to meet point A. Score along the dotted line and fan the three edges with a folded napkin. Bend knees and join back to the front of the third edge of the fifth folded crease marked X . Scumble the fine print. Fold the fifth edge to join plate M . Fold and crease the line E so that it meets the folded edge of the back of the knees marked Y.

Now you are set to enjoy your first rummage.
Place your solo plan D into the mixing pot. Shake the dice and cut the cards and bend the folded edge of C to meet the pointed P.
Take turns the squeak the notes on the back of card marked with a quill.
Folds are now open for frobbage.
The first to meet the circular filberts will be the winner.

Kosmic Strip

Hoagart

"Hoagart Smith was born in 1924 in Plainsville, New York in 1923 and spent his early life going from town to town in a travelling vaudeville and medicine show his parents ran until 1938. His father, Haggio Smith was a contortionist and trombone player and his mother played the accordion whilst juggling small animals, mostly rats or any small rodents they could lay their hands on. This was the height of the depression and sometimes they had to make do with dead rats and sometimes even cockroaches. Hoagart grew up in this atmostphere of freewheeling lunacy and this he shaped into an act of his own by the time he was 9. Having taught himself to yodel and play the tuba he was billed as the Infant Prodigy - Hoagart.
When he was 23 he dropped the Infant Prodigy and became just Hoagart. He made several obscure and rare recordings for the defunct Prattle label in the 50's and these rare acetates came to light just recently in the basement of a dried fish stall being demolished in Brooklyn."



Hoagart - Side Two

Rem Goriller

Soundtrack album from the film of the same name. The strange story of a country and western star( Farly Horsejowel ) who discovers a potion in the Black Hills of Dakota - in a little ol' shack inhabited by a tiny fiddlin' fool ( Danny DeVito ). The potion has the power to turn the voice of whoever drinks it into a cross between Hank Williams and Johnny Cash. The side-effects though are pretty horrible as the star finds out when one day on the Grande Ol' Opry he turns into a raging monster and bites the head off Ernest Tubb.

Batman v Fancy Biscuits

In this rare Turkish version of a Batman serial from the 60's. Batman ( Oleg Klunes ) is forced out of retirement to do battle with Ginger Nut ( Sven Ganoosh ) and his henchmen who have taken over a biscuit factory in Istanbul and making toxic Cream Crackers and Cheesy Wotsits. Things are complicated when Batman is sucked into a time tunnel in the factory's Jam Injection department and ends up in Edvard Munch's studio in Berlin in 1892.

File Under "Emergency Beard"

How to get a head in advertising.

'ello 'ello?

Whats all this then? A nasty case of missing leg found again. I wonder if the body is attached? Quick, call the Leg Police.

Naughty Monks

Have you spotted these naughty monks tittering in your area? If so please phone Lubbock 67756 and ask for Father Quinn.

Who Stole Our Trousers?

A trouser thief is still on the loose in Basingstoke. The local constabulary were criticised by Basingstoke Council for not getting to the bottom of this problem and even suffering losses in the trouser department themselves. Coucillor Elkwood Spink said " The situation vis a vis the theft of trousers is getting comepetely out of hand. I know several people have reported trouser loss but the police seem unable to apprehend the criminal gang responsible. I hear trousers are being sold on Ebay for three or four times the going rate. Rare trousers of sailors, airmen, firemen and policemen are fetching high prices."

Christmas Catalogue

Cruisin' Shoes

Cruisin' Shoes


I'm cruisin' with my buddies
In my loafers and my daps
I've filled up on gas and socks
Gonna do a hundred laps

Polished up my plimpers
And laced up all my holes
Drive like a flaming flip flop
To the very inner soles

Love Letter

Dear Mildred,

Forgive the haste in which I put projectile ink pellet to paper but I have a lecture to give at 12-30 in the College Of Inventors. My sweet little dust cloud. I can see you now - your feather duster all a quiver , darting about among the cobwebs of the refectory. How it grates on my nodules that you have to do such tiresome work. So much so - I have invented a new improved dusting device you must try when next we meet - my little vacuum nozzle! It's a web twizzler attached to an old egg beater I have cunningly contrived with the aid of several elastic bands and a cheese grater geared to the motor of a disused flannel mangle. It will, I hope for have not yet tried it, make life so much more easier in your daily grindage.
Have you tried the Instant Polish Squeegee yet? I have a new version you can try with an attachable wire brush for all those tricky corners. Particularly good for the undersides of tall boys.

Until we meet agin my carbolic angel, Yours lovengly, Professor Albert T. Bunk

Ole Ole Ole!

More from the weirdly fermented brain of Celia Cordwangler. 1973

Celia Cordwangler Post 1974

More from the twisted mind of Celia Cordwngler circa. 1974

Early mail art from the 1970's.

Darts

Its' a funny old game - darts
Stunted arrows thrown from the ochre
Not a yellow but a part
Of wood nailed to the floor
In a pub they have it by the door
There's a definate art
To throwing a flighted missile
Being drunk might help
But be careful
Or you could end up spearing
Your foot when it bounces
Off the wire and you yelp
With pain

Unwanted Guests

An easy way to put off unwanted guests.

Extracting Grit

Life can be funny sometimes - I was just saying to Professor Green in the laboratory with the spanner, that it was unlikely to be a very busy day when the X-tomimeter imploded and a cloud of dangerous Murkle particles blew in all our faces and we had to take turns extracting the grit from sucker filberts with the Extractorator Pilse Cannon. The side effects soon wore off and despite the tentacles and the extra fins we suffered no immediate periferal damage.

Injuns!

Why them pesky varmints! They be on the warpath agin all crazy on fire water and cheap wusky! I knew there wus somethin' a brewin' when I sees Big Chief Hokum down at the old saloon playing them darned Chas 'n' Dave hits on the old joanna and shooting out the lights last night. Lookout they's firin' them arrows under the door!

Ali Basham's Eyeball

Ali Basham's Eyeball


Ali Basham's eyeball was a fine sight
Glowing by the fire in the bright moonlight
It was the fairest eye in town
One day pink and the next day brown

Ali Basham's eyeball did sparkle so
It twinkled in the mid day snow
It winked and blinked and jiggled around
One day it popped out with a horrible sound

Ali Bashum's eyeball was a fine fellow
Sitting on a cushion of blue and yellow
It oggled and boggled and looked at me
The fairest eyeball I ever did see!

Harry Tate

Tate made his debut at the Waxed Kipper Hall in 1895, and became well known for his impressions of performers such as Doris Flunge, Mildred Grills, and Stradley Pling. Success came with his comedy sketch, Grolloping, in which he played the part of half a pantomime horse trying to repair a broken bath chair. His other sketches included Down The Dipsy Doodle, Bollards and Tiddly-Winks. Several catch phrases he used became popular in Britain in the 1930s, including "Stripe me barber's pole", "How's your Onions" (used as an escape clause when he was unable to answer a question) and "I don't blabber", used sarcastically (as in "He's a wrong 'un – I don't blabber")[2] . He used his bristling moustache to express all kinds of emotion by turning it into a small boomerang.

Harry Tate died in 1940 as a result of injuries suffered when falling in a unsupervised mangle.

1001 Things To Do With A Bit OF A Chair

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Human Factory

Der Mensch als Industriepalast [Man as Industrial Palace] from Henning Lederer on Vimeo.

Crimble Shopping List

Crimble Shopping List


Assaulted Nuts

Cracked Nuckers

Minsk Pies

Snowman's Land

Misty Toes and Holly Golly

A Stuffed Tootle

Frosty The No Man

A Small Furry Tree

Nibbles

Bags Of Gulls

The class of '67 lined up to have their portrait etched for all time in layers of cork. The well known cork engraver Devoid Segroids took holes of the ends and twisted them into a loop. His head went under and the spigot lens was pilfered shut just as the sun came out. Luckily the image was frozen inside the vestibule covered in a fine powdered glue. Afterwards many of the class complained of that the backs of their knees ached but this wore off after a while.

Dave Zacks Curious Cactus House

Dave lived in Teozatlan in Mexico back in the 80's and a frequent correspondent of mine. He lived in a hollowed out cactus just outside the town he said and sent me this photo of his dwelling place to prove it. Apparently the man looking up at the Zack Tower ( as it was known thereabouts ) was Senor Hunnundez Weeviltree the local mayor and collector of sombreros. He had three thousand Zack said and they are all made of Harris Tweed.
The cactus was chosen as a good habitat because it was very big and from the top you could see the village stationers where Zack was often seen photocopying fast reams of his Correspondence Novels. These he sent out to his eager flock around the world, all aching to find out what was happening in Zack's world and in Zack's cactus.
Zack tried to make a home in a neighbouring boulder but this proved difficult to hollow out. So when the cactus eventually succumbed to galloping spine rot back in '87 he moved to a tree some 5 miles away.

Invasion!

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Burglar Bill

Burlar Bill

Burglar Bill answered the door
A chicken stood outside
Pecking a small policeman
"Come In" said Bill,
"and pull up a swag bag,
sit yourself down and
Have some truncheon meat
sandwiches".

Arresting him he replied
"You have lied to me,
Bill you scurvy knave."
The chicken pulled the switch
And the front door slammed
"My finger!" Bill screamed
Overcome with guilt
and indegestion.

The Fidle Of Girrmstone

The forth part of the Girrmstone trilogy by the acclaimed author who also wrote The Bucketh Of Cithtard and My Swanlike Trilbs. A stunning adventure set on the South Seas of Iceland and involving the Cod Wars of 1878 and dodo smugglers.
The story is a long and involved yarn with many spools and tangled strings - looms of a many webby fronds and mangles , whose origins are lost in the fringes of time.
Part soap opera and part sci-fi seafaring tale the reader is plunged into a world of mutant tea cups and piratical teapots. The main protagonist- Stuffid Maltravers has been left the famed Fidle of Girrmstone in his late uncles will and travels to Iceland to collect it. On way he has many adventures including being shipwrecked , being laughed at by brigands, having scalding tea tipped down his trousers and discovering the Lost Island of the Dodo.

Donkey Business

Donkey Business

We're off to Colwyn Bay to gather bath buns
Up to our knees in hay and turnips
We shout at Neddy to strum his fun
A basket on his head for trips

Gradual Pythonic Deriavations

The tinkle of the cheese grater - the elk hiding under the duvet
Reminds me of my vestibule- the outer coverings of creosote
Creative spoonfilled lumpen gravy - clobbered in hay
laughing like a drain - crying like an old steam boat

fetch me my grey flannels - the onnes made of newspaper
My edam trilby and Goya's favourite hillbilly pipes
The one with the fringe on the top - and the edge of fur
Lift up the corners now - say hello to the packet of wet wipes

Guest Artist - Roger Radio

Space Cucumber

Meanwhile back on Space Cucumber Nine , Polly and Peregrine were perplexed by the sudden arriavl of Space Cucumber Seven that wasnt due to dock until the 14th ( St. Gherkin's Day ). They pressed their noses on the porthole glass and watched as the Biognomic Flangles gripped the spunnions and sent tiny shards of space crystals out into the starry void. The light was so intense they put on their smokey visors so as not to damage their eyes. Once , Captain Trilby of the Wally Cadets looked out and forgot to wear his and he was blinded for a week and had to spend the whole time in sick bay with a Venusian Flannel over his face.
A strange grunting noise came from the outer deck as the nanoplanks rubbed against the bilge pumps. It sounded not unlike a Martian Goat flossing it's antlers.

The Handbag Snatchers

Ee by gum! It's a reet crime wave going on't street what with the whippet rustling and chip buttie flinging. The Phantom Hot Pot pilferer has never been caught either our chuck. Now the latest from Oswaldtwizzle Road - Ena managing to lasoo a sneak thief with her hair net - but he snipped through it with a sharp frozen haddock he had concealed about his person and made a getaway.
The Rovers was a gog with excitemant and yatter. Even Ena felt it hard to get a word in scrimmage ways. Our Ken told them to have a bit of 'ush. Wilma told them about the police and the sniffer dogs round the corner shop eyeing up the treacle toffee and bull's eyes. Joe Longbottom interjected that street was going to dogs and everyone laughed ecept Ena who remembers the time a corgi nibbled her fetlocks down t'Co-op.
Now the hand bag snatcher is abroad and in daylight as common as yer please too! The only description being a short swarthy chap with a goitre and a nasty rash on one of his necks.

Singing Dingo

Captain Helmet

Ah the thrilling days of yesteryear and those Saturday morning flicks - the big feature, the cartoon and the creaky black and white serial in 12 jaw dropping episodes. The Flaming Cube and The Robot Hens, Mr. Invisible and the Plant People, Smudge Gargoyle and the Planet of Fertilizer to name but a few. My absolute favourite was Captain Helmet - Queen of the Flatosphere. A serial so full of gadgets and cliff hanger endings it almost topples over on its side with the weight of them and dies!
Captain Helmet and his Helmet Rangers has to save the universe from the evil Emporer Pong and his robotic warriors from the planet Zlurg, who are bombarding earth with a mysterious custard gas which turns everyone into his slaves and Emporer Pong has enlisted the help of evil scientist Dr. Prang and his henchment who will stop at nothing to get rid of Captain Helmet and his Rangers every ten minutes and you find them dropping into ravines, down wells, mineshafts, in burning shacks. over cliffs, in burning dynamite factories etc. Somehow Captain Helmet manages to escape in the nick of time and every week is able to do battle again with his cardboard ray guns and his bakelite thermo blaster - not to mention the brain wobbling beam.
What joy we had in running home afterwards to make our own ray gun from an old plastic Squeezy bottle and an egg carton and re-living the whole episode all over again!

Cat To Dog

Cat to dog and back again
Robot kitty to robot doggie
Strange metamorph of my pet
Round again and back to moggie.

How Much?

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck wood? That's the age old question we all have to ask ourselves. The answer comes back - " Quite a large heap of three ply, two be one, and some offcuts".

Biggles Aftershave

Michael Bentine

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Piece of chair becomes many things in the hands of a genius.

Falsies

I've tied her to the railroad track
Now I laugh and twirl my moustache
Ha ha! Nobody can save you now!

But who's this? Big Jim Rivit!
He always spoils my fun
Riding up on his white horse
With his gun spinning round
On the end of his thumb

Chickens

I dropped my shoe from the upstairs loo
Out popped a chicken and a away it flew.
I dropped my chicken the the garden shed
Out popped a great big hard boiled egg.

Custard Sheep Dip

Custard sheep dip
Makes my wooly jumpers
Plumper like no other
Treacle goat nip
Gathers fluff for farmers
Under the drippy lip
Of Old MacDonald's mother

Down on the farm
We keep the blancmange
Soft and wobbly
Inside the charm bracelet
Not the knobbly
Tree stump where the jelly
Is hidden under felt
Wanting a new job
Like harvesting wellies

The Other Side

Do you remember the blackout- the smell of trench foot - the pulsating rhythyms of Gerlado and His Orchestra? Those were the days when comics were full of free gifts and only cost a penny. The Squirting Face Flannel- The Sticky Pink Biscuit - The Joke Ironing Board etc. Oh the hilarity. The playground was awash with tears of joy every Wednesday when the Beano and Dandy appeared ( or was it a Friday?). Anyway, awash it was. Jokes to fill a boys busby and giggles galore- enough for a bulging pocket of conkers or a bag of sherbet mice. Yes, the playground fun- the games! Hide The Leg- Dodge That Spit - Cough Up A Gobstopper.
Cigarette cards were my favourite. We used them as legal tender. Played "flickies" and swapped them for the sets we wanted. I was keen on Cricketers of Colonies and anything with drooling monsters like Wireless Stars of Yesteryear- Wilfred Pickles, Doris Chutney and Betty Piccalilly.

Tickling The Ivories

They laughed when I sat down at the piano but when I stated to play - they still laughed. But, after several hundred lessons with Prof. Stanislav Von Gerbilov I could tickle the ivories with my eyes closed and my hands tied behind my back. I was invited to play at the most prestigious concert halls in the world and appeared on prime time television to the astonishment of all who knew me before I had my lessons.
The secret is in the ancient Gypsy art of crystal hedgenology, where by my fingers were pinned to the keyboard by clothes pegs dipped in a mysterious Gypsy ointment and the spirits of Liberace and Toscanini were called upon by the Head Fiddler.

Dilly

My old man said follow the van.

Hanks

Mongolese Lifters

Deep in the Mongolian rain forests the locals are busy lifting the woven totem poles for the yearly Festival of Tum. The poles weigh about half a ton each and the outcome is severely stretched limbs as seen in this authentic photo realisation. Using mohogony poles and steel weavings has taken it's toll over the years and now plans are afoot to make the poles from lighter material. Customs and superstition are hard to overcome though and the elders are reluctant to give the new proposals their blessing for fear of angering the Totem Pole spirits.

The Mail Art That Wouldn't Die

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Meanwhile , down at the inconvenience store Mrs. Trubpole was stacking her Spam tins in the window in a kind of lop-sided ziggerat to attract more customers, or so she thought. He left eye twitched spasmodically in time with the ticking cuckoo clock on the wall behind her. The last tin was placed on the pinnacle of Spamness. An audible gasp issued from her wrinkly mauve lips. She stood back to admire her handiwork and a fly buzzed past he left ear and settled in the tippy-top of the topmost can- it wobbled, and before she could bat a green eyelid the whole thing came crashing down around her ankles.

Later she was seen stickig up long curling twirls of sticky fly paper to get her revenge. She stood on tip toe on the top rung of the rickety step ladder and pushed in the last thumb tack which held the fly paper. The steps wobbled, a fly buzzed past her left ear and settled on the end of her purple nose. She attempted to brush it away with the box of thumb tacks she held in her left hand , forgetting the ladder was only balanced on one leg. The whole thing came crashing down and Mrs. Trubpole landing on the box of tacks and the steps landed on top of her. A mighty scream rent the air and all the sticky fly papers got twizzled in the gust of air and came spiralling down onto her big red angry face.

Horror Songs

Stilton Dreams

The sandwiches with the slurry squirt
Massed pots and puddings scrubbing with potatoes,
This shocking apparatus like a harpoon
Unnatural synthetic food whizz bobbin.
The camel became inflated "cow trees".
A finger nails silvered sausage and mash
A tapioca flings it's slotters to entomb
The doldrum light the sun's pale tooth pastes.
Raindrops made of compressed worms
Became warty, and contains nasty tanks.
Suddenly through the bristle and curious tongue
Appears, a spongonable bathing beach.
Before the collapse of vegetable debris..
A symbol of deliverence on the bottom.

Bob Wolf

And thus it was
Bob found a friend
Someone to talk to as they strode
For such a journey can be lonely
And as they walked they talked of black snow
They spoke of the cheap hotel room
And the tin trumpet used as a po

The moon was high
The stars were out
A shadow fell across the sky
Bob woke and felt a shiny tin thing
Poking in his thigh

The wind it whistled through the gaps
It whistled through the eaves
It whistled through the windows
And through the leafless trees
It whistled far and wide
It whistled more and more
But most of all it whistled
I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles
Through the keyhole in the door

Wasp Terror!

Giant killer wasps are the new scourge of the gardener. They come from the continent where they broke free from an experimental research facilty run by some mad Swiss scientists trying to cross hornets with scorpions. They are very much attracted to skimpy bathing costumes so gardeners are advised with wear shapeless cardigans and reinforced trousers tucked into diving boots.

Spaghetti Strings

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The spaghetti harvest is late this year due to the swarms of pasta fly that have been devastating the crops. Macaroni has suffered a similar fate. Thankfully the trees bearing the ravioli are higher up the mountain and the flies dont like heights.

Trapped!

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Can you help her escape?
Similar to that old urban myth of someone biting into a sausage and finding a tiny rolled up bit of paper and unrolling it discovering a hastily scrawled message which reads " Help - I'm a prisoner in a sausage factory and......" and the rest trails off into a spidery smudge.
Being a prisoner in a collage would be a bit like that only more so.

The Curse of Banana Bonce

I think Gerry the white alsation knew what was going on before anybody else - even his snail friend Nigel knew but Daphne was oblivious to the changes that were creeping over Derek that windy winter's night.

Unusual Holidays

Belgium

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Too much strong coffee can do this to you.
Ah, yes, Belgium - gem of the Northern Sea. I remember well my trip to a quaint fishing village near Antwerp and the giant squid that got caught in some net curtains in the window of a certain M. Masher Niblick. We chased it for several dasy in some steam driven wheelbarrows but it managed to escape into the folds of a huge pair of Flemish trousers worn my Arch Duke Nerdyfan III. Later it was seen travelling in the smoking compartment of an express train to Boulengerie.

Drama Murals

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Blakey Fiends

Il mouse dice che "i blakeys" hanno proprietà magiche e possono inserire nei vasi dell'inceppamento più meglio dei bolli. Il gatto sembra molto scettico dell'idea intera.

Let Your Widgets Do the Walking

A Merry Jingle!

Slotmeters!

A popular game from South London during the war years when infated bladders of pigs were hard to come by as they were called in for vital war work making barrage balloons and bouncy castles.
The "slotmeister" has seven seconds to pinion the slot by means of a "frummage iron" which they weald by means of a "flange grip". The "slotweiners" then have to dislodge the "glippy tile" from the apponents "vetch shaft" and score a "glipper" in the "fondue glupe". Its all but died out now, sadly, and can only be seen on certain "Slotty Days" near St. Mongers Eve, when the moon wanes and waxes at the same time. In it's dim light the players sometimes hang fluerescent flummox beans around their waists so they can be seen.

Also for sale this Christmas - the Jones Pudding Pulveriser, the Jones Chicken Stuffer and combined Mince Pie Rammer and the Jones Festive Yule Log Roller.