Curios Things

Drive Thru Number Two

2012-01-30T09:27:00.000-08:00

I think this is from 60-century, with the risk to take an entirely mistaken, I believe that this is from a minneprogram in underholdningsmusikk from the war days.

mERRY xMAS!

2012-01-27T08:47:00.001-08:00

Open publication - Free publishing - More catalogue

Curios Thing Compendium

2012-01-12T06:11:00.001-08:00

Open publication - Free publishing - More collage

Fishing For Tigers

2012-01-10T04:48:00.000-08:00

Fishing for tigers out in Indi-ah! Out in, out in, out in Indi-ah!

Werry Crumkle!

2011-12-17T07:34:00.001-08:00

A Blast From The Past

2011-09-18T23:49:00.001-07:00

Doris The Modified Dog

2011-09-05T08:37:00.000-07:00

Doris the modified dog presented herself to the half chicken in charge, turned round three times and settled herself down in the cool space under the sink. The half chicken clucked, chirped, squeaked and let out a low moaning sort of bellow and squinted at the monkey rifling through his deep pockets for conkers. The long armed monkey stretched his long fingers into the deepest recesses of the pockets and pulled out handfuls of fluff, bus tickets and sticky bull's eyes. He laid them carefully at the feet of the half chicken who made a sound not unlike a coughing ferret. "What no conkers?" he squeaked.
Dories the modified dog laughed quietly to herself and rattled her lid with keen anticipation.

EMETT'S IDEAL HOME - British Pathe

2011-09-03T06:11:00.000-07:00

EMETT'S IDEAL HOME - British Pathe

Max Wall

2011-08-16T04:43:00.001-07:00

Nuns!

2011-07-21T06:56:00.000-07:00

Straight from Craggy Island.

Bedlam

2011-06-24T01:57:00.000-07:00

The rules are simple -

You need - 1. A pointed passe-partout strengthener
2. Some cobbled ear flaps
3. Padded grill plates
4. 14 Single melted wheel grips

Take point B and fold over to meet point A. Score along the dotted line and fan the three edges with a folded napkin. Bend knees and join back to the front of the third edge of the fifth folded crease marked X . Scumble the fine print. Fold the fifth edge to join plate M . Fold and crease the line E so that it meets the folded edge of the back of the knees marked Y.

Now you are set to enjoy your first rummage.
Place your solo plan D into the mixing pot. Shake the dice and cut the cards and bend the folded edge of C to meet the pointed P.
Take turns the squeak the notes on the back of card marked with a quill.
Folds are now open for frobbage.
The first to meet the circular filberts will be the winner.

Kosmic Strip

2011-06-24T01:52:00.000-07:00

Hoagart

2011-05-31T12:23:00.001-07:00

"Hoagart Smith was born in 1924 in Plainsville, New York in 1923 and spent his early life going from town to town in a travelling vaudeville and medicine show his parents ran until 1938. His father, Haggio Smith was a contortionist and trombone player and his mother played the accordion whilst juggling small animals, mostly rats or any small rodents they could lay their hands on. This was the height of the depression and sometimes they had to make do with dead rats and sometimes even cockroaches. Hoagart grew up in this atmostphere of freewheeling lunacy and this he shaped into an act of his own by the time he was 9. Having taught himself to yodel and play the tuba he was billed as the Infant Prodigy - Hoagart.
When he was 23 he dropped the Infant Prodigy and became just Hoagart. He made several obscure and rare recordings for the defunct Prattle label in the 50's and these rare acetates came to light just recently in the basement of a dried fish stall being demolished in Brooklyn."

Hoagart - Side Two

Rem Goriller

2011-05-24T05:50:00.000-07:00

Soundtrack album from the film of the same name. The strange story of a country and western star( Farly Horsejowel ) who discovers a potion in the Black Hills of Dakota - in a little ol' shack inhabited by a tiny fiddlin' fool ( Danny DeVito ). The potion has the power to turn the voice of whoever drinks it into a cross between Hank Williams and Johnny Cash. The side-effects though are pretty horrible as the star finds out when one day on the Grande Ol' Opry he turns into a raging monster and bites the head off Ernest Tubb.

Batman v Fancy Biscuits

2011-05-24T05:35:00.000-07:00

In this rare Turkish version of a Batman serial from the 60's. Batman ( Oleg Klunes ) is forced out of retirement to do battle with Ginger Nut ( Sven Ganoosh ) and his henchmen who have taken over a biscuit factory in Istanbul and making toxic Cream Crackers and Cheesy Wotsits. Things are complicated when Batman is sucked into a time tunnel in the factory's Jam Injection department and ends up in Edvard Munch's studio in Berlin in 1892.

File Under "Emergency Beard"

2011-05-05T10:49:00.000-07:00

How to get a head in advertising.

'ello 'ello?

2011-04-14T10:37:00.000-07:00

Whats all this then? A nasty case of missing leg found again. I wonder if the body is attached? Quick, call the Leg Police.

Naughty Monks

2011-03-30T08:00:00.000-07:00

Have you spotted these naughty monks tittering in your area? If so please phone Lubbock 67756 and ask for Father Quinn.

Who Stole Our Trousers?

2011-03-30T07:52:00.000-07:00

A trouser thief is still on the loose in Basingstoke. The local constabulary were criticised by Basingstoke Council for not getting to the bottom of this problem and even suffering losses in the trouser department themselves. Coucillor Elkwood Spink said " The situation vis a vis the theft of trousers is getting comepetely out of hand. I know several people have reported trouser loss but the police seem unable to apprehend the criminal gang responsible. I hear trousers are being sold on Ebay for three or four times the going rate. Rare trousers of sailors, airmen, firemen and policemen are fetching high prices."

Christmas Catalogue

2011-03-16T01:20:00.000-07:00

Cruisin' Shoes

2011-03-16T00:23:00.000-07:00

Cruisin' Shoes

I'm cruisin' with my buddies
In my loafers and my daps
I've filled up on gas and socks
Gonna do a hundred laps

Polished up my plimpers
And laced up all my holes
Drive like a flaming flip flop
To the very inner soles

Love Letter

2011-03-13T03:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Mildred,

Forgive the haste in which I put projectile ink pellet to paper but I have a lecture to give at 12-30 in the College Of Inventors. My sweet little dust cloud. I can see you now - your feather duster all a quiver , darting about among the cobwebs of the refectory. How it grates on my nodules that you have to do such tiresome work. So much so - I have invented a new improved dusting device you must try when next we meet - my little vacuum nozzle! It's a web twizzler attached to an old egg beater I have cunningly contrived with the aid of several elastic bands and a cheese grater geared to the motor of a disused flannel mangle. It will, I hope for have not yet tried it, make life so much more easier in your daily grindage.
Have you tried the Instant Polish Squeegee yet? I have a new version you can try with an attachable wire brush for all those tricky corners. Particularly good for the undersides of tall boys.

Until we meet agin my carbolic angel, Yours lovengly, Professor Albert T. Bunk

Ole Ole Ole!

2010-12-13T07:36:00.000-08:00

More from the weirdly fermented brain of Celia Cordwangler. 1973

Celia Cordwangler Post 1974

2010-12-13T01:00:00.000-08:00

More from the twisted mind of Celia Cordwngler circa. 1974

Early mail art from the 1970's.

Darts

2010-09-15T04:59:00.000-07:00

Its' a funny old game - darts
Stunted arrows thrown from the ochre
Not a yellow but a part
Of wood nailed to the floor
In a pub they have it by the door
There's a definate art
To throwing a flighted missile
Being drunk might help
But be careful
Or you could end up spearing
Your foot when it bounces
Off the wire and you yelp
With pain

Unwanted Guests

2010-07-02T10:09:00.000-07:00

An easy way to put off unwanted guests.

Extracting Grit

2010-03-27T03:50:00.000-07:00

Life can be funny sometimes - I was just saying to Professor Green in the laboratory with the spanner, that it was unlikely to be a very busy day when the X-tomimeter imploded and a cloud of dangerous Murkle particles blew in all our faces and we had to take turns extracting the grit from sucker filberts with the Extractorator Pilse Cannon. The side effects soon wore off and despite the tentacles and the extra fins we suffered no immediate periferal damage.

Injuns!

2010-03-11T06:25:00.000-08:00

Why them pesky varmints! They be on the warpath agin all crazy on fire water and cheap wusky! I knew there wus somethin' a brewin' when I sees Big Chief Hokum down at the old saloon playing them darned Chas 'n' Dave hits on the old joanna and shooting out the lights last night. Lookout they's firin' them arrows under the door!

Ali Basham's Eyeball

2010-02-24T01:27:00.000-08:00

Ali Basham's Eyeball

Ali Basham's eyeball was a fine sight
Glowing by the fire in the bright moonlight
It was the fairest eye in town
One day pink and the next day brown

Ali Basham's eyeball did sparkle so
It twinkled in the mid day snow
It winked and blinked and jiggled around
One day it popped out with a horrible sound

Ali Bashum's eyeball was a fine fellow
Sitting on a cushion of blue and yellow
It oggled and boggled and looked at me
The fairest eyeball I ever did see!

Harry Tate

2010-01-26T07:09:00.000-08:00

Tate made his debut at the Waxed Kipper Hall in 1895, and became well known for his impressions of performers such as Doris Flunge, Mildred Grills, and Stradley Pling. Success came with his comedy sketch, Grolloping, in which he played the part of half a pantomime horse trying to repair a broken bath chair. His other sketches included Down The Dipsy Doodle, Bollards and Tiddly-Winks. Several catch phrases he used became popular in Britain in the 1930s, including "Stripe me barber's pole", "How's your Onions" (used as an escape clause when he was unable to answer a question) and "I don't blabber", used sarcastically (as in "He's a wrong 'un – I don't blabber")[2] . He used his bristling moustache to express all kinds of emotion by turning it into a small boomerang.

Harry Tate died in 1940 as a result of injuries suffered when falling in a unsupervised mangle.

1001 Things To Do With A Bit OF A Chair

2010-01-04T00:09:00.000-08:00

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Human Factory

2009-12-29T00:59:00.000-08:00

Der Mensch als Industriepalast [Man as Industrial Palace] from Henning Lederer on Vimeo.

Crimble Shopping List

2009-12-19T03:18:00.000-08:00

Crimble Shopping List

Assaulted Nuts

Cracked Nuckers

Minsk Pies

Snowman's Land

Misty Toes and Holly Golly

A Stuffed Tootle

Frosty The No Man

A Small Furry Tree

Nibbles

Bags Of Gulls

2009-12-01T02:34:00.000-08:00

The class of '67 lined up to have their portrait etched for all time in layers of cork. The well known cork engraver Devoid Segroids took holes of the ends and twisted them into a loop. His head went under and the spigot lens was pilfered shut just as the sun came out. Luckily the image was frozen inside the vestibule covered in a fine powdered glue. Afterwards many of the class complained of that the backs of their knees ached but this wore off after a while.

Dave Zacks Curious Cactus House

2009-11-21T05:48:00.000-08:00

Dave lived in Teozatlan in Mexico back in the 80's and a frequent correspondent of mine. He lived in a hollowed out cactus just outside the town he said and sent me this photo of his dwelling place to prove it. Apparently the man looking up at the Zack Tower ( as it was known thereabouts ) was Senor Hunnundez Weeviltree the local mayor and collector of sombreros. He had three thousand Zack said and they are all made of Harris Tweed.
The cactus was chosen as a good habitat because it was very big and from the top you could see the village stationers where Zack was often seen photocopying fast reams of his Correspondence Novels. These he sent out to his eager flock around the world, all aching to find out what was happening in Zack's world and in Zack's cactus.
Zack tried to make a home in a neighbouring boulder but this proved difficult to hollow out. So when the cactus eventually succumbed to galloping spine rot back in '87 he moved to a tree some 5 miles away.

Invasion!

2009-11-10T22:59:00.001-08:00

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Burglar Bill

2009-10-15T08:34:00.000-07:00

Burlar Bill

Burglar Bill answered the door
A chicken stood outside
Pecking a small policeman
"Come In" said Bill,
"and pull up a swag bag,
sit yourself down and
Have some truncheon meat
sandwiches".

Arresting him he replied
"You have lied to me,
Bill you scurvy knave."
The chicken pulled the switch
And the front door slammed
"My finger!" Bill screamed
Overcome with guilt
and indegestion.

The Fidle Of Girrmstone

2009-09-12T02:22:00.000-07:00

The forth part of the Girrmstone trilogy by the acclaimed author who also wrote The Bucketh Of Cithtard and My Swanlike Trilbs. A stunning adventure set on the South Seas of Iceland and involving the Cod Wars of 1878 and dodo smugglers.
The story is a long and involved yarn with many spools and tangled strings - looms of a many webby fronds and mangles , whose origins are lost in the fringes of time.
Part soap opera and part sci-fi seafaring tale the reader is plunged into a world of mutant tea cups and piratical teapots. The main protagonist- Stuffid Maltravers has been left the famed Fidle of Girrmstone in his late uncles will and travels to Iceland to collect it. On way he has many adventures including being shipwrecked , being laughed at by brigands, having scalding tea tipped down his trousers and discovering the Lost Island of the Dodo.

Donkey Business

2009-08-14T09:55:00.000-07:00

Donkey Business

We're off to Colwyn Bay to gather bath buns
Up to our knees in hay and turnips
We shout at Neddy to strum his fun
A basket on his head for trips

Gradual Pythonic Deriavations

2009-07-06T10:52:00.000-07:00

The tinkle of the cheese grater - the elk hiding under the duvet
Reminds me of my vestibule- the outer coverings of creosote
Creative spoonfilled lumpen gravy - clobbered in hay
laughing like a drain - crying like an old steam boat

fetch me my grey flannels - the onnes made of newspaper
My edam trilby and Goya's favourite hillbilly pipes
The one with the fringe on the top - and the edge of fur
Lift up the corners now - say hello to the packet of wet wipes

Guest Artist - Roger Radio

2009-06-30T22:45:00.000-07:00

Space Cucumber

2009-06-08T07:42:00.000-07:00

Meanwhile back on Space Cucumber Nine , Polly and Peregrine were perplexed by the sudden arriavl of Space Cucumber Seven that wasnt due to dock until the 14th ( St. Gherkin's Day ). They pressed their noses on the porthole glass and watched as the Biognomic Flangles gripped the spunnions and sent tiny shards of space crystals out into the starry void. The light was so intense they put on their smokey visors so as not to damage their eyes. Once , Captain Trilby of the Wally Cadets looked out and forgot to wear his and he was blinded for a week and had to spend the whole time in sick bay with a Venusian Flannel over his face.
A strange grunting noise came from the outer deck as the nanoplanks rubbed against the bilge pumps. It sounded not unlike a Martian Goat flossing it's antlers.

The Handbag Snatchers

2009-05-21T04:38:00.000-07:00

Ee by gum! It's a reet crime wave going on't street what with the whippet rustling and chip buttie flinging. The Phantom Hot Pot pilferer has never been caught either our chuck. Now the latest from Oswaldtwizzle Road - Ena managing to lasoo a sneak thief with her hair net - but he snipped through it with a sharp frozen haddock he had concealed about his person and made a getaway.
The Rovers was a gog with excitemant and yatter. Even Ena felt it hard to get a word in scrimmage ways. Our Ken told them to have a bit of 'ush. Wilma told them about the police and the sniffer dogs round the corner shop eyeing up the treacle toffee and bull's eyes. Joe Longbottom interjected that street was going to dogs and everyone laughed ecept Ena who remembers the time a corgi nibbled her fetlocks down t'Co-op.
Now the hand bag snatcher is abroad and in daylight as common as yer please too! The only description being a short swarthy chap with a goitre and a nasty rash on one of his necks.

Singing Dingo

2009-04-15T00:44:00.001-07:00

Captain Helmet

2009-03-03T11:53:00.001-08:00

Ah the thrilling days of yesteryear and those Saturday morning flicks - the big feature, the cartoon and the creaky black and white serial in 12 jaw dropping episodes. The Flaming Cube and The Robot Hens, Mr. Invisible and the Plant People, Smudge Gargoyle and the Planet of Fertilizer to name but a few. My absolute favourite was Captain Helmet - Queen of the Flatosphere. A serial so full of gadgets and cliff hanger endings it almost topples over on its side with the weight of them and dies!
Captain Helmet and his Helmet Rangers has to save the universe from the evil Emporer Pong and his robotic warriors from the planet Zlurg, who are bombarding earth with a mysterious custard gas which turns everyone into his slaves and Emporer Pong has enlisted the help of evil scientist Dr. Prang and his henchment who will stop at nothing to get rid of Captain Helmet and his Rangers every ten minutes and you find them dropping into ravines, down wells, mineshafts, in burning shacks. over cliffs, in burning dynamite factories etc. Somehow Captain Helmet manages to escape in the nick of time and every week is able to do battle again with his cardboard ray guns and his bakelite thermo blaster - not to mention the brain wobbling beam.
What joy we had in running home afterwards to make our own ray gun from an old plastic Squeezy bottle and an egg carton and re-living the whole episode all over again!

Cat To Dog

2009-01-17T12:57:00.000-08:00

Cat to dog and back again
Robot kitty to robot doggie
Strange metamorph of my pet
Round again and back to moggie.

How Much?

2009-01-13T12:46:00.000-08:00

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck wood? That's the age old question we all have to ask ourselves. The answer comes back - " Quite a large heap of three ply, two be one, and some offcuts".

Biggles Aftershave

2008-12-30T03:45:00.001-08:00

Michael Bentine

2008-12-02T00:08:00.000-08:00

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Piece of chair becomes many things in the hands of a genius.

Falsies

2008-11-25T10:01:00.000-08:00

I've tied her to the railroad track
Now I laugh and twirl my moustache
Ha ha! Nobody can save you now!

But who's this? Big Jim Rivit!
He always spoils my fun
Riding up on his white horse
With his gun spinning round
On the end of his thumb

Chickens

2008-11-20T00:32:00.000-08:00

I dropped my shoe from the upstairs loo
Out popped a chicken and a away it flew.
I dropped my chicken the the garden shed
Out popped a great big hard boiled egg.

Custard Sheep Dip

2008-10-14T07:10:00.000-07:00

Custard sheep dip
Makes my wooly jumpers
Plumper like no other
Treacle goat nip
Gathers fluff for farmers
Under the drippy lip
Of Old MacDonald's mother

Down on the farm
We keep the blancmange
Soft and wobbly
Inside the charm bracelet
Not the knobbly
Tree stump where the jelly
Is hidden under felt
Wanting a new job
Like harvesting wellies

The Other Side

2008-10-14T03:18:00.000-07:00

Do you remember the blackout- the smell of trench foot - the pulsating rhythyms of Gerlado and His Orchestra? Those were the days when comics were full of free gifts and only cost a penny. The Squirting Face Flannel- The Sticky Pink Biscuit - The Joke Ironing Board etc. Oh the hilarity. The playground was awash with tears of joy every Wednesday when the Beano and Dandy appeared ( or was it a Friday?). Anyway, awash it was. Jokes to fill a boys busby and giggles galore- enough for a bulging pocket of conkers or a bag of sherbet mice. Yes, the playground fun- the games! Hide The Leg- Dodge That Spit - Cough Up A Gobstopper.
Cigarette cards were my favourite. We used them as legal tender. Played "flickies" and swapped them for the sets we wanted. I was keen on Cricketers of Colonies and anything with drooling monsters like Wireless Stars of Yesteryear- Wilfred Pickles, Doris Chutney and Betty Piccalilly.

Tickling The Ivories

2008-10-08T05:16:00.000-07:00

They laughed when I sat down at the piano but when I stated to play - they still laughed. But, after several hundred lessons with Prof. Stanislav Von Gerbilov I could tickle the ivories with my eyes closed and my hands tied behind my back. I was invited to play at the most prestigious concert halls in the world and appeared on prime time television to the astonishment of all who knew me before I had my lessons.
The secret is in the ancient Gypsy art of crystal hedgenology, where by my fingers were pinned to the keyboard by clothes pegs dipped in a mysterious Gypsy ointment and the spirits of Liberace and Toscanini were called upon by the Head Fiddler.

Dilly

2008-09-10T23:33:00.000-07:00

My old man said follow the van.

Hanks

2008-07-31T03:18:00.000-07:00

Mongolese Lifters

2008-07-26T06:53:00.000-07:00

Deep in the Mongolian rain forests the locals are busy lifting the woven totem poles for the yearly Festival of Tum. The poles weigh about half a ton each and the outcome is severely stretched limbs as seen in this authentic photo realisation. Using mohogony poles and steel weavings has taken it's toll over the years and now plans are afoot to make the poles from lighter material. Customs and superstition are hard to overcome though and the elders are reluctant to give the new proposals their blessing for fear of angering the Totem Pole spirits.

The Mail Art That Wouldn't Die

2008-07-06T05:14:00.000-07:00

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Meanwhile , down at the inconvenience store Mrs. Trubpole was stacking her Spam tins in the window in a kind of lop-sided ziggerat to attract more customers, or so she thought. He left eye twitched spasmodically in time with the ticking cuckoo clock on the wall behind her. The last tin was placed on the pinnacle of Spamness. An audible gasp issued from her wrinkly mauve lips. She stood back to admire her handiwork and a fly buzzed past he left ear and settled in the tippy-top of the topmost can- it wobbled, and before she could bat a green eyelid the whole thing came crashing down around her ankles.

Later she was seen stickig up long curling twirls of sticky fly paper to get her revenge. She stood on tip toe on the top rung of the rickety step ladder and pushed in the last thumb tack which held the fly paper. The steps wobbled, a fly buzzed past her left ear and settled on the end of her purple nose. She attempted to brush it away with the box of thumb tacks she held in her left hand , forgetting the ladder was only balanced on one leg. The whole thing came crashing down and Mrs. Trubpole landing on the box of tacks and the steps landed on top of her. A mighty scream rent the air and all the sticky fly papers got twizzled in the gust of air and came spiralling down onto her big red angry face.

Horror Songs

2008-06-09T06:45:00.000-07:00

Stilton Dreams

2008-05-31T03:01:00.000-07:00

The sandwiches with the slurry squirt
Massed pots and puddings scrubbing with potatoes,
This shocking apparatus like a harpoon
Unnatural synthetic food whizz bobbin.
The camel became inflated "cow trees".
A finger nails silvered sausage and mash
A tapioca flings it's slotters to entomb
The doldrum light the sun's pale tooth pastes.
Raindrops made of compressed worms
Became warty, and contains nasty tanks.
Suddenly through the bristle and curious tongue
Appears, a spongonable bathing beach.
Before the collapse of vegetable debris..
A symbol of deliverence on the bottom.

Bob Wolf

2008-04-27T06:29:00.000-07:00

And thus it was
Bob found a friend
Someone to talk to as they strode
For such a journey can be lonely
And as they walked they talked of black snow
They spoke of the cheap hotel room
And the tin trumpet used as a po

The moon was high
The stars were out
A shadow fell across the sky
Bob woke and felt a shiny tin thing
Poking in his thigh

The wind it whistled through the gaps
It whistled through the eaves
It whistled through the windows
And through the leafless trees
It whistled far and wide
It whistled more and more
But most of all it whistled
I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles
Through the keyhole in the door

Wasp Terror!

2008-04-22T00:06:00.000-07:00

Giant killer wasps are the new scourge of the gardener. They come from the continent where they broke free from an experimental research facilty run by some mad Swiss scientists trying to cross hornets with scorpions. They are very much attracted to skimpy bathing costumes so gardeners are advised with wear shapeless cardigans and reinforced trousers tucked into diving boots.

Spaghetti Strings

2008-03-20T08:07:00.000-07:00

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The spaghetti harvest is late this year due to the swarms of pasta fly that have been devastating the crops. Macaroni has suffered a similar fate. Thankfully the trees bearing the ravioli are higher up the mountain and the flies dont like heights.

Trapped!

2008-03-15T08:50:00.001-07:00

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Can you help her escape?
Similar to that old urban myth of someone biting into a sausage and finding a tiny rolled up bit of paper and unrolling it discovering a hastily scrawled message which reads " Help - I'm a prisoner in a sausage factory and......" and the rest trails off into a spidery smudge.
Being a prisoner in a collage would be a bit like that only more so.

The Curse of Banana Bonce

2008-03-06T23:27:00.000-08:00

I think Gerry the white alsation knew what was going on before anybody else - even his snail friend Nigel knew but Daphne was oblivious to the changes that were creeping over Derek that windy winter's night.

Unusual Holidays

2008-02-28T11:15:00.001-08:00

Belgium

2008-02-28T07:16:00.000-08:00

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Too much strong coffee can do this to you.
Ah, yes, Belgium - gem of the Northern Sea. I remember well my trip to a quaint fishing village near Antwerp and the giant squid that got caught in some net curtains in the window of a certain M. Masher Niblick. We chased it for several dasy in some steam driven wheelbarrows but it managed to escape into the folds of a huge pair of Flemish trousers worn my Arch Duke Nerdyfan III. Later it was seen travelling in the smoking compartment of an express train to Boulengerie.

Drama Murals

2008-02-27T12:30:00.000-08:00

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Blakey Fiends

2008-01-28T07:42:00.001-08:00

Il mouse dice che "i blakeys" hanno proprietà magiche e possono inserire nei vasi dell'inceppamento più meglio dei bolli. Il gatto sembra molto scettico dell'idea intera.

Let Your Widgets Do the Walking

2007-12-28T13:33:00.001-08:00

A Merry Jingle!

2007-12-13T03:43:00.001-08:00

Slotmeters!

2007-12-06T00:45:00.000-08:00

A popular game from South London during the war years when infated bladders of pigs were hard to come by as they were called in for vital war work making barrage balloons and bouncy castles.
The "slotmeister" has seven seconds to pinion the slot by means of a "frummage iron" which they weald by means of a "flange grip". The "slotweiners" then have to dislodge the "glippy tile" from the apponents "vetch shaft" and score a "glipper" in the "fondue glupe". Its all but died out now, sadly, and can only be seen on certain "Slotty Days" near St. Mongers Eve, when the moon wanes and waxes at the same time. In it's dim light the players sometimes hang fluerescent flummox beans around their waists so they can be seen.

2007-12-05T00:19:00.000-08:00

Also for sale this Christmas - the Jones Pudding Pulveriser, the Jones Chicken Stuffer and combined Mince Pie Rammer and the Jones Festive Yule Log Roller.

Privy Council

2007-11-21T03:23:00.001-08:00

We are all gathered here today
To play some musical notes
On the big smiling instrument
Made from old ships buoys
Hand crafted in the sheds
Of old fisherfolk from driftwood
Casks and barrels
Bits of flotsam and jetsam
With the buzzing of insects
The chirping of birds
And the flush of the cistern

One Turn Of Crank Turns Every Tank

2007-11-11T23:57:00.001-08:00

Squid and Pygmies

2007-11-11T23:56:00.000-08:00

Decorated Tea Tray

2007-11-04T23:01:00.000-08:00

Mail Art Machine!

2007-11-04T06:28:00.001-08:00

A Leg End In His Own Lifetime

2007-10-15T00:00:00.000-07:00

Ali Basham's Eyeball

2007-10-12T05:50:00.001-07:00

Xavier Brick worked mainly in folded coils of cheap grime and occasionally a long felt want. His unique art comes from a morbid fear of egg cups and unearthly weng. When a child he was frightened by a portrait of Sybil Thorndyke which hung in his father's wardrobe. Since this time he has made over 23,000 drawings and 18,000 etchings of the wardrobe and other mysterious cupboards and bedroom furniture. He has recently begun a series of still lives featuring luggage and oscillating bulbs in silk and parchment on vellum. His work sells for ridiculous ammounts of money to rich people of taste all round the world.

Il mattone di Xavier ha funzionato pricipalmente in bobine piegate di grime poco costoso e un feltro lungo desidera occasionalmente. La sua arte unica viene da un timore morboso dei portauova ed unearthly del weng. Quando un bambino lui frightened da un ritratto di Sybil Thorndyke che ha appeso nel wardrobe del suo padre. Poiché questo volta ha fatto oltre 23.000 illustrazioni e 18.000 acquaforte del wardrobe e degli altri armadietti e mobilia mysterious della camera da letto. Recentemente ha cominciato una serie di vite tranquille che caratterizzano il bagaglio e le lampadine oscillanti in seta e pergamena su velina. Il suo lavoro vende per i ammounts ridiculous di soldi alla gente ricca di gusto interamente intorno al mondo.

British Fashion Week

2007-10-01T23:13:00.000-07:00

George Pilchradlington- Smytghe is wearing a daring off the shoulder number underneath that delightful sleeveless jumper knitted by Trappist monks in Cleethorpes. The jaunty but practical all weather hat is made from recycled fishermen's sou'westers. George took up modelling after many fruitless years as a barrowboy down the Old Kent Road.

This should be a lovely shade of blue

Curios Thing Compendium

2007-09-27T00:08:00.001-07:00

Buy a limited edition copy this Saturday at the 2nd Manchester Artists Book Fair at the Holden Gallery MMU.

Libro Sabato Giusto 29 Settembre 2007 10.30am - 6pm Il Secondo Dell'Artista De Manchester Sir Kenneth Green Library e galleria di Holden, tutti i san città universitaria, università metropolitana de Manchester, strada de Oxford, Manchester Altoparlante Maria Fusco, 10.30am dell'ospite nel sir Kenneth Green Library La fiera apre 11.30am nella galleria di Holden, edificio di Grosvenor Officina pop-up, prestazioni, bookstallation, 45 basamenti e l'accumulazione speciale di MMU dei libri degli artisti AMMISSIONE LIBERA

Junk

2007-09-26T23:27:00.000-07:00

A Perfect Vippy

2007-09-26T00:44:00.000-07:00

Tongs For Every Porpoise

2007-09-21T00:14:00.001-07:00

Today's tongs are used in a miriad of ways throughout the natural world. The interchangeable tongs of the elk are useful when finding those leaves high up in the currant bunt tree or for lifting electric wires from entangled moose. The elongated tongs of the pigmy varmint are essential for all those household chores he has to undergo. The smoothly massaging scalp tongs of the gibbon help him with that awkward quiff. How would the anteater cope without the gentle probing tongs that he uses for adjusting the straps round his luggage?

Assembly Guide

2007-09-21T00:10:00.001-07:00

Bronx Cheer

2007-09-07T00:21:00.001-07:00

Ofcourse the early "Whoopee Cushion" was discovered in a Neolithic cave along with the bone implements and stone pots of the prehistoric man ( and woman ). First specimens seems to be made of the bladders of the wooly mammoth. In time the inventiveness of the sub-humans new no bounds as they exeprimented with ox bladders, sheeps bladders and brown paper bags. In 1645 the first real factory produced Bronx Cheer was in fact made in Walsall in what was a black pudding workshop - the "cushions" were cleverly constructed from the left over pudding skins and sold in Birmingham at the famous Grub Market in Rissole Street.

Birds of feather- flap together.

2007-09-06T12:40:00.000-07:00

Baby Centre

2007-08-08T00:23:00.000-07:00

Isn't science wonderful? Here we have the latest in making babies the easy way from Babymat Co. Just drop a coin right into the slot and turn dial to select DNA, genes, hair colour, temperament, abilities, brain power, etc. and wait 9 months and a brand new baby pops down the chute at the back into the waiting buggy! Wow!

Mind The Gap

2007-07-31T00:27:00.001-07:00

Down in the engine room something stirs
With a choo choo chewable puff
From his old briar pipe
The train waiting on platform nine
Is the greatfully recieved chuffer from Planet Kripe

A Poem Off The Top Of My Head

2007-07-04T23:54:00.000-07:00

Off the top of my head
A poem sprang like a pilchard
Wrapped in a disgruntled doily
It's time weary face
Etched with brine and balsamic vinegar

I weaved a second verse
From an old badger's batik vest
A mildewed resting place
For gannets and elongated ducks
Tired of trifle

Plunged into a third
Vat of words dipped in effluent
I saw an elephant laughing
Skipping like a pneumatic truncheon
Over a puddle of plasticine

Goon With The Wind

2007-06-29T00:25:00.001-07:00

Curios Snail

2007-06-28T03:48:00.000-07:00

Dream Catcher

2007-05-31T09:43:00.001-07:00

The ancient indian art of dream catching has long been practised in the back of beyond - behind the teepees and cacti - wobbling merrily along with all the tumble weeds. But now you too can have a dream catcher of your very own- the new modern up-to-date version made from a secret ingrediant - only known to Chief Little Big Clanger of the Tooforwun tribe. Part crystal set and part animated doily - it has the power to stretch naps and shrink snoring. No batteries are needed as it runs on natural yawn strops.

Ghostly Gold Tops

2007-05-02T05:46:00.000-07:00

There I was waiting for Fritzi Carbolic in the foyer of the Restaurante Espectaculo when a shadow of a shallow grating seemed to pass over me - like someone had just walked over my patch of petunias in size eleven Doc Martens. A cold shiver ran down my spine , down my leg and popped out the bottoms of my serge training trousers. I hurriedly flicked it under a nearby tallboy. I continued reading the back of the matchbook I had found outside in a puddle of Bisto. I had scraped most of it off and could plainly read the address - Final Autoplath. Ctra. Santanyi. There was a phone number too- 20 27 3745. I made a note of it in biro on the back of my left leg. I turend the matchbook over and was horrified to see the face of the beautiful blonde that was there a minute ago had CHANGED! Now she had her eyes closed, as if in some deep trance-like state and her face was covered in what looked like boils and evil fissures. Some foul deed had been done for sure. In the middle of her chest wasa huge staple that had rustedand given the whole thing an air of macabre morthology. I flung the matchbook away in disgust and went outside to gather my thoughts - what little I had left in that raddled ursuline brain of mine.

The Mother Of Invention

2007-04-08T00:07:00.000-07:00

Sporting the latest gadget laden titfer she looks into the future and sees - the electric lobe scrubber, the gas powered flea harness, the micro-botic cornice flange, the steam elevated truncheon, the plastobic filing system, the crown flappit crinkler, the bowler lentil polisher and all things bright and suitable.

Every morning she pulls on her asbestos cardigan over her big hat of gadgetry and sits down to scribble something enigmatic into her enigmatic scribbling diary. Todays entry reads thusly - "Sparking fly traps concealed in HP Sauce bottle caps - must devote time to cork flavoured whistle and the bottled wiffle pins."

Curios Thing No. 1

2007-03-24T03:07:00.000-07:00

The Little Men Inside Your Noggin

2007-03-16T23:47:00.000-07:00

Hoping to get a compedium fitted at Lulu if we can figure out the projectories. I hard copy would make a lovely door stop or useful to stand on at Slack gatherings to see over all the big irons.

Is This A Piece Of Your Brain?

2007-03-16T23:45:00.000-07:00

Yoga Lesson - Pt. 1

2007-03-02T23:28:00.000-08:00

YOga Lesson- Relaxation.

1. Lie on the bed in a darkened room

2. Legs slightly akimbo- toes pointing outwards - arms by your sides.

3. Breath in slowly but noisily through your nose.
The air going in seems cold. Count how many cubic centimetres.

4. Breath out slowly but quietly through your nose.
The air going out seems warm. Count the cracks on the ceiling.

5. Imagine your big toe.

6. Imagine a tiny ant on a bicycle riding up and down your left leg and up to your waist and armpit and up to your head and across the back of your neck.

7. Imagine the tiny ant on a bicycle going back down the other side to the big toe on your right foot. imagine the wheels on your toes.

8. Imagine a very peaceful relaxing place where you once spent a lovely holiday.

9. Drift off into the arms of oblivion.

10. Melt into the bed like a pool of cool syrup.

11. Fall asleep.