Saturday, December 19, 2009

Crimble Shopping List

Crimble Shopping List

Assaulted Nuts

Cracked Nuckers

Minsk Pies

Snowman's Land

Misty Toes and Holly Golly

A Stuffed Tootle

Frosty The No Man

A Small Furry Tree


Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Bags Of Gulls

The class of '67 lined up to have their portrait etched for all time in layers of cork. The well known cork engraver Devoid Segroids took holes of the ends and twisted them into a loop. His head went under and the spigot lens was pilfered shut just as the sun came out. Luckily the image was frozen inside the vestibule covered in a fine powdered glue. Afterwards many of the class complained of that the backs of their knees ached but this wore off after a while.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Dave Zacks Curious Cactus House

Dave lived in Teozatlan in Mexico back in the 80's and a frequent correspondent of mine. He lived in a hollowed out cactus just outside the town he said and sent me this photo of his dwelling place to prove it. Apparently the man looking up at the Zack Tower ( as it was known thereabouts ) was Senor Hunnundez Weeviltree the local mayor and collector of sombreros. He had three thousand Zack said and they are all made of Harris Tweed.
The cactus was chosen as a good habitat because it was very big and from the top you could see the village stationers where Zack was often seen photocopying fast reams of his Correspondence Novels. These he sent out to his eager flock around the world, all aching to find out what was happening in Zack's world and in Zack's cactus.
Zack tried to make a home in a neighbouring boulder but this proved difficult to hollow out. So when the cactus eventually succumbed to galloping spine rot back in '87 he moved to a tree some 5 miles away.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Burglar Bill

Burlar Bill

Burglar Bill answered the door
A chicken stood outside
Pecking a small policeman
"Come In" said Bill,
"and pull up a swag bag,
sit yourself down and
Have some truncheon meat

Arresting him he replied
"You have lied to me,
Bill you scurvy knave."
The chicken pulled the switch
And the front door slammed
"My finger!" Bill screamed
Overcome with guilt
and indegestion.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

The Fidle Of Girrmstone

The forth part of the Girrmstone trilogy by the acclaimed author who also wrote The Bucketh Of Cithtard and My Swanlike Trilbs. A stunning adventure set on the South Seas of Iceland and involving the Cod Wars of 1878 and dodo smugglers.
The story is a long and involved yarn with many spools and tangled strings - looms of a many webby fronds and mangles , whose origins are lost in the fringes of time.
Part soap opera and part sci-fi seafaring tale the reader is plunged into a world of mutant tea cups and piratical teapots. The main protagonist- Stuffid Maltravers has been left the famed Fidle of Girrmstone in his late uncles will and travels to Iceland to collect it. On way he has many adventures including being shipwrecked , being laughed at by brigands, having scalding tea tipped down his trousers and discovering the Lost Island of the Dodo.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Donkey Business

Donkey Business

We're off to Colwyn Bay to gather bath buns
Up to our knees in hay and turnips
We shout at Neddy to strum his fun
A basket on his head for trips

Monday, July 06, 2009

Gradual Pythonic Deriavations

The tinkle of the cheese grater - the elk hiding under the duvet
Reminds me of my vestibule- the outer coverings of creosote
Creative spoonfilled lumpen gravy - clobbered in hay
laughing like a drain - crying like an old steam boat

fetch me my grey flannels - the onnes made of newspaper
My edam trilby and Goya's favourite hillbilly pipes
The one with the fringe on the top - and the edge of fur
Lift up the corners now - say hello to the packet of wet wipes

Monday, June 08, 2009

Space Cucumber

Meanwhile back on Space Cucumber Nine , Polly and Peregrine were perplexed by the sudden arriavl of Space Cucumber Seven that wasnt due to dock until the 14th ( St. Gherkin's Day ). They pressed their noses on the porthole glass and watched as the Biognomic Flangles gripped the spunnions and sent tiny shards of space crystals out into the starry void. The light was so intense they put on their smokey visors so as not to damage their eyes. Once , Captain Trilby of the Wally Cadets looked out and forgot to wear his and he was blinded for a week and had to spend the whole time in sick bay with a Venusian Flannel over his face.
A strange grunting noise came from the outer deck as the nanoplanks rubbed against the bilge pumps. It sounded not unlike a Martian Goat flossing it's antlers.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

The Handbag Snatchers

Ee by gum! It's a reet crime wave going on't street what with the whippet rustling and chip buttie flinging. The Phantom Hot Pot pilferer has never been caught either our chuck. Now the latest from Oswaldtwizzle Road - Ena managing to lasoo a sneak thief with her hair net - but he snipped through it with a sharp frozen haddock he had concealed about his person and made a getaway.
The Rovers was a gog with excitemant and yatter. Even Ena felt it hard to get a word in scrimmage ways. Our Ken told them to have a bit of 'ush. Wilma told them about the police and the sniffer dogs round the corner shop eyeing up the treacle toffee and bull's eyes. Joe Longbottom interjected that street was going to dogs and everyone laughed ecept Ena who remembers the time a corgi nibbled her fetlocks down t'Co-op.
Now the hand bag snatcher is abroad and in daylight as common as yer please too! The only description being a short swarthy chap with a goitre and a nasty rash on one of his necks.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Captain Helmet

Ah the thrilling days of yesteryear and those Saturday morning flicks - the big feature, the cartoon and the creaky black and white serial in 12 jaw dropping episodes. The Flaming Cube and The Robot Hens, Mr. Invisible and the Plant People, Smudge Gargoyle and the Planet of Fertilizer to name but a few. My absolute favourite was Captain Helmet - Queen of the Flatosphere. A serial so full of gadgets and cliff hanger endings it almost topples over on its side with the weight of them and dies!
Captain Helmet and his Helmet Rangers has to save the universe from the evil Emporer Pong and his robotic warriors from the planet Zlurg, who are bombarding earth with a mysterious custard gas which turns everyone into his slaves and Emporer Pong has enlisted the help of evil scientist Dr. Prang and his henchment who will stop at nothing to get rid of Captain Helmet and his Rangers every ten minutes and you find them dropping into ravines, down wells, mineshafts, in burning shacks. over cliffs, in burning dynamite factories etc. Somehow Captain Helmet manages to escape in the nick of time and every week is able to do battle again with his cardboard ray guns and his bakelite thermo blaster - not to mention the brain wobbling beam.
What joy we had in running home afterwards to make our own ray gun from an old plastic Squeezy bottle and an egg carton and re-living the whole episode all over again!

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Cat To Dog

Cat to dog and back again
Robot kitty to robot doggie
Strange metamorph of my pet
Round again and back to moggie.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

How Much?

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck wood? That's the age old question we all have to ask ourselves. The answer comes back - " Quite a large heap of three ply, two be one, and some offcuts".